Do Not Self Destruct

I've been really quiet on the blogging front recently. It's not been intentional, but some family stuff happened, which was really grinding me down, and I kind of lost my way a little bit.

I've always been open about my struggles with anxiety and depression, and unfortunately that has been rearing it's ugly head in the last month or two. I'm writing this as a bit of a reminder to myself to not let this break me again. I've been at a point where I basically slept 20 hours a day before, and I'm not going to let myself get there again.

The hardest thing for me at the moment is the constant feeling of pure exhaustion, and loneliness. Some of you may know that in February, my mum decided to move to Crewe. Unfortunately, Crewe wasn't for her, and this past month she moved back to Wales. I'm not going to sugar coat it and say that I'm fine, because it's hit me like a brick and if I'm honest, I feel slightly abandoned. But less on that, let's just say it's played a role in all of this.

Loneliness is something I think many stay at home mums struggle with, some more than others. I think sometimes it goes hand in hand with the anxiety and/or depression that a lot of us deal with. That feeling of dread when you wake up in the morning, knowing that you're going to be spending it alone with your littles, whilst your partner gets to go to work and socialise with other adults. Now, I'll be the first to admit that I absolutely suck at making new friends. Online, I can do it no problem. I have a whole tribe of supportive, amazing mummies that I can talk to and rant at, but in my home town I lack that. I'm trying to change this for myself, by taking Scout to soft play, or starting up conversations with the other parents I pass in and out of nursery. But in reality, I don't feel like I'm going to find my gang. Obviously, I have my ride or die, my best friend of nine years. But she works her little tush off, and sometimes it's really difficult to fit in getting together between her shifts at work, and other commitments.

I mean it happens. Life happens, but I'm finding I'm feeling super low in the evenings, dreading the mornings; and the mornings crying because Liam is about to leave for work. Because of this, I feel like I'm in a bit of a downward spiral, but I also know that I don't want to be that very depressed person I was six years ago, who would barely even leave the house.

The feeling of loneliness has come with it's friend, lack of motivation. I spoke about this on my instastories the other day, and got quite a response. I struggle, because I'll have great days, where I feel great. I sit down and film a video, saying 'Let's get back to this! Time to be consistent!' Then wham, the next day comes with a punch in the face. The motivation for that is gone, and I don't even feel like setting up my camera, or writing two words of a blog post. I guess that'll be why I've been so quite on the social front. I really do want to be consistent with my content. I really want to feel inspired daily to share the things that I love. I don't want to feel like a constant failure, because depression is making me a lazy slob.

So I'm going to try. I'm going to try and push myself, but also remember to listen to my brain, and know when I need to take a self care day or two. I spend so much time running around after Scout, and finishing Liam's laundry that he left in the drier for two days, that I sometime forget to look after me.

I know this post has been a bit of a ramble, and some of it might not have made sense; but I do hope that some of you reading this may have felt some comfort in the fact that, if you feel this way too, you're not alone. I think the most important thing is to try and realise when enough is enough, and to take small steps that make yourself feel better. Whether that just be a long bath, a long walk, or going to the doctors. Please don't ever be ashamed to go and speak to someone professional. The only reason I'm a little reluctant to take that route yet, is because we have not so distant plans to try for baby number two. I have been on anti-depressants before; in fact I tried many different anti-depressants before finding one that worked for me. So I guess what I'm trying to say here is, if something doesn't work, try something else. One week it'll just click and you'll start to feel better. I'm hoping that week will happen for me soon.

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